My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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