final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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