sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
