I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
