I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
