My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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