I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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