The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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