i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
