hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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