If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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