I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
