if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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