Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
