They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
