let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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