I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
