I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
