I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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