i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
