apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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