Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
