Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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