I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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