a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
