The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
