what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
