i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Say something about gay babies.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
