That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
