I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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