I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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