I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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