What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
