In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
