Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
