You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she peed on how many people?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
