I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
