What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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