I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
