its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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