For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we should paint friendship bongs
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