You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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