we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
