Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
