y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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