i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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