So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
