Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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