I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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