Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
