we have officially lost it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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