just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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